midlife crisis when the fog lifts

That is your next step after plan B is in place. Do that a few times and see what happens. You lose all credibility and power. He will regret it one day. Fast forward seven hours later, and were walking into an awesome 55th surprise party including 40 family and friends that Id been planning for him for three months! We would be more intimate. We had a rough few years after that and I was ready to leave a few times I was so frustrated and fed up with his choices, behavior and continued lying. I have come to realize that as long as she is in the fog I cannot love her enough or do enough for her to want to save our marriage. He is very selfish. He pays half the college expenses AND not just tuition. You take a step back. He was going to fix it. Get control over your life and let him see a stronger you. I need to get a grip. I dont think she sees how much it hurts me. I know that your last response was this past December so you may not even see this, but I am going through a similar situation and could absolutely use some advice. Six weeks ago Im still calling my husband a liar for NOT forcing his whores out of our lives with the same ugliness he brought them in with he has not dealt with any of this crap and his sewer rats keep popping up over and over with their skanky smell spraying over my life so I continue to stand up for myself . When she was messaging me nasty messages he couldnt stand up for me. I know down the road he would regret it. But I was being calm and level headed. I outed his whores on their Facebook pages I had nothing to hide or lie about funny they shut down their pages as if that changed what they did or how nasty they were to me . I could no longer function under the black cloud of infidelity. ANy and ALL support of this decision is welcomed. After I found out, I told him it was over and served him with separation papers because Ive been through this before and he never disconnects fully from women who he engages with. And you nailed it when you said the drug thing. I was probably like his mom, esp in the last few years. I am DETERMINED to be happy with or without him, but I would be MUCH HAPPIER with him. I said my 2-3 sentences and left the room. You have done everything possible you have tried discussing it. Do the 180 the best you can for yourself. And sometimes I feel like when all is said and done, he is going to finally see this for what it is and see how WRONG this affair was and how much he has disrespected me. I dont even know how ill EVER trust him again which is a whole other issue in itself. How to Get the Cheater Out of the Affair Fog - Emotional Affair Right now it seems like he could care less, He is probably thinking to himself I knew she couldnt handle me going out. I know my own value, yet I feel like I constantly have to prove it to him, when I have never felt that way before. I feel good about myself. Its really like a stranger, and the minute he walks in the house and we start talking about our days its like oh here he is, heres the man I married. Seriously?! She was 40 my husband 58. which is exactly what he was doing when he was working out of town, hence how he met the bartender OW. It is powerful. But its not necessarily him hating me, like I have felt. He is in the babys life. You just told me not to obsess over her anymore and here I am completely obsessing. Its like the 180 but a lesser extent. How do people turn this situation around? Because you will know you had your babys best interest at all times. She had cheated on her husband with this man who already had a partner. A father. And if youre an ex-cheater, please chime in on how you were finally able to emerge from the fog. Your request he seek counseling is the right choice. Stonewalled and denied the entire time. I love him so much. Your email address will not be published. But I just feel like ive been CONSTANTLY given the shit end of the stick. Midlife Crisis: Signs, Causes, and Coping Tips - HelpGuide.org Its her or me. Maybe bc he is out of town. I am not going anywhere for now, but he doesnt need to know that. You get a % of his pay for alimony and child support. I left him but he never stopped contacting me. This went on for years. And then the fog lifts and you see a tunnel and man it is far better than that tiny ledge you are standing on so you run, straight into the tunnel. You never had an opportunity to think, Gosh. He started to see me again and enjoy me, and now again the last week its like nothing I do is right. Good for you for standing up to him. He continues to convince himself he is making all these great choices. But no matter what you do his decisions are his own choices and he cannot blame you for any thing that happens as a result of his cheating. a. Start preparing just in case. That is your reward. So im done. Im sorry you are hurting and yes its now 7 years and we are happily reconciled. As hard as it is to come home everyday to a house completely alone without him, I know i have to stick to it. That is the first issue. So im just going to stick to this 180, be CONSISTENT in my actions and reactions as much as possible and see where it gets us. Best possible given the home you are in. Normal life as far as they could tell. I dont know where his head is right now, but clearly were still just cohabitating and not doing anything to get us back on track. That was NOT a good time his whore actually was going to come to our house I said bring your retarded ni**er whore ass to my house I was waiting with my sons pitbull and I told her my husband and I that we were waiting with a pit bull (she was scared to death of ) for her she NEVER has shown her face she left state as I did inform her legally if I saw her face I would have her arrested she left NY and went to Houma La never to be heard from again. Once it gets difficult or hard, one or other will bail. They are just blinded at the moment. You tell him you know he is lying and that you are expecting this conversation to be honest and truthful. He became a different person overnight. 25 years I loved him and have him the best and that is what he told me!! How to shake her from the fog or how to take care of myself. I have no friends or family no job since he never allow me to and with the pandemic lock down I havent had any luck. The issue w/ my H was he would tell me be home by 12 pm and show up at 3 am with no call or courtesy. I really hope I have done whats right. But there were 2 things that helped me tremendously. You have to be willing to face a possible second dday. Like even though right now were not reconciling, were living in limbo, together, not a couple basically, but he has still been home every night, we discuss things, he lets me know if hes running late, those type of things.I dont know. Something triggers the thought of him and whats happening and all of a sudden I couldnt control my thoughts and my sadness. Thank you for this. I lose my confidence, I become so angry I cant see straight. Waiting for him to make a decision can only last so long. I agree most of us BSs would probably love a do over. I dont want to live like this. You can co-parent and be the two best parents not living together IF IT COMES TO THAT. But how can someone be SO in love, SO on board in a marriage, so all about his wife and making a family and then all of a sudden be SO completely different? Because you do deserve better. Then everything started to make sense. I feel like they are evidence we did something right. H has not cracked the book yet, 6 weeks later. I mean, there was this, and then that odd thing. Just to protect yourself. Dont stress about the OW. And now im of course TERRIFIED he is going to run off to OW. But this didnt fit the classic fog charateristics either. Given that you have some assets, you may want to protect them from him. To help you both get back on track. Which is part of the reason you are in limbo. If you dont do it now you will have given up your power to him. And i felt like I was completely doing it alone. I acted pretty blah to him today. All the comments he had been making to me was the start of his leaving. figueroa street shooting; jeffrey friedman chiropractor; gifted child humming; how to adjust sim max driver; midlife crisis when the fog lifts. I do get kind of afraid he is convincing himself im speaking to another man and then he will just get deeper and deeper with OW, or other WOMEN, but I guess thats also something i shouldnt worry about. Not that it matters anyway. If he wants it so badly, let him do all the work and make sure he gives you everything you deserve and more. I told him it seems much more like he wants the bar life. All things he may not even think about, but that I OBSESS over now bc I just want him to SEE ME again. It of course makes me assume theres the OW, or more than 1, but it does me NO good to focus on that or assume things in my mind and drive myself insane. And if im there calling the shots. He is constantly saying Oh ill be home early. Further damage is done by having to struggle through getting the truth. I dont understand how one can come home and tell a person they love them and then engage in such lurid conversations via email. She is not worth it. I dont know if when he gets back in town he will stay here or not. I had enough, limbo stage is just too torturous for me. The term the fog can be described as being similar to being brain washed. It is Friday now so I really dont know when ill see him, if he will come home and hang out at a normal time, or if he will stay out until 3am, or if tonight will be the night he chooses to not come home at all and test that outHe is being very nice to me, he seems positive when hes around me and its like were roommates that get along great and raise a baby together and a dog. When you dont engage any longer he wont know what to do. I keep drawing back to all the good memories and it makes me sad that my kids have such a dysfunctional secretive father who is likely now showing his true colours. Once they truly hit bottom, My mind truthfully runs rampant, its horrible. I feel like him bringing up divorce is whats coming next, any day now, and Im at the point where I just have to tell him thats fine and he can do it and ill go along with it. Unfortunately I, like you, and everyone here knows what it is like to be blindsided by an affair. Best of luck. Because he chose to stay M. No talking or therapy or pleading or crying had any impact unfortunately. I feel like im just being chipped away every day. When I confronted her she said she was depressed and disconnected. During the conversation, you do not yell or get upset. She denies that she has continued the EA but that she has been in contact with the OM. You have a good head on your shoulder and remember your daughter needs her mother because you are the stability in her life. But the day he is out in the street b/c she has moved on (and we all know she will) as he has no Job or $ or anything he will do one of two things. Nothing penetrates the fog. Im not saying D him. When theyre addicted to it like you said, can ANYTHING help them come out of it? Trying to help them. Maybe give your opinion on some of the ones that I mentioned. He was no longer a bit arrogant. Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. He commits to reconciliation and helping you heal AND being the guy you married. Maybe he feels differently, but I doubt it. I got the baby in the stroller and I went for a run. Right now, him and i are not a couple, so I am just trying so hard to stop getting so worked up. He admits now that my requests to please call if late was very reasonable. K Im telling you this b/c I could never change his behavior. Until DDay2 and I found his A continued. I did, after 4.5 months put my foot down and deny him access to having contact with her, but it led to further problems with me always feeling like he never chose to be with me, as I was the one who chose to stop being humiliated, instead of him refusing to choose me, then there were years and years of his denial, stonewalling, fights and further verbal abuse causing so MUCH more collateral damage. I learned that sometimes, as painful as it is, you have to let people make bad choices. This short guide tells you what you need to know to survive the affair, heal yourself and emerge on the other side a stronger person. He accused you of cheating. Boo Frickin Hoo! Sad to say. I get so many thoughts in my head that just completely consume me and it is so frustrating. He was SERIOUSLY the best guy ever, before the OW. Im sure thats all I will hear from him today. He does not deserve you do not allow this man to treat you this way ever get rid of him and find someone that will love you care for you and respect you. Those few days were SO bad for me, I really was backsliding emotionally and it was getting to me. He left very early this morning for work and will be gone for 2 nights working in another city. Could be he is no longer that interested in going out . So sorry for you. I hate the feeling of waiting for the next bomb to drop. This will never work. We were both really mad. One who can guide you through this storm. The Reality Distortion Field When in the Fog of an Affair. So there was nothing I could do to change his mind or his heart. You remain calm. Yeah, whatever we do is seems very wrong. He went mostly no-contact (she was a work friend), and then after a couple months, she threatened suicide. I want him to fight for us. I dont even know why. They may have convinced themselves that their marriage was already bad, that their partner really didnt love them, and that the affair partner must truly be their soulmate because he or she is the only one who understands them. My CH had a more difficult time leaving her alone. So yes at DDay2 I told my H I was D him. No disrespect. but i have also been there for her Im not that bad when i wright down all the good times and things we have done is good. A cheater. I begged, pleaded, threatened.you know, did everything I shouldnt have! Sorry and just to add, because she doesnt trust him, he is going above and beyond to prove his love for her, posting it all over his social media, that his kids can see if they paid attention. She said she want 6 months.She also tells me how much happier she is with out me. Cheers There is a saying the best thing a father can do for his daughter, is to love and respect her mother and obviously even at her young age she senses tension. No self respecting person jumps into another Relationship the next day. Like I said, he is still sleeping at home. The fog is the hardest thing to forgive and to get over. Turns out that was all a ploy to get me off the scent. If he cannot make that decision then you need may have to make it for him. Does your H have ADHD or ADD? Just know for now you need to get yourself away from his infidelity that will save your sanity. I wanted to know if there is a way to contact you via email..? You dont cheat. He was in constant contact with me, video calls etc. but are separated now and she moved out to find her self. My H never left our home and even when he wanted a divorce the next day he would change his mind. The signs are there. Unless and until the CS decides to end it. You are not HIS support system and back up plan. Linda: No, and the consistency. You can live like roommates doing exactly the same thing. I want a family life that he used to want and he no longer wants that. but i need to. I never thought my life could take this kind of turn, and when it took this turn, I NEVER thought that this many months later I would still be in a position of heading towards divorce, when I know thats not what I want, but I fear he will do it just bc he doesnt know how to fix it and doesnt want to right now. I think your H has unreal expectations on how to reconcile & heal the M. So lets pretend hes not talking to the OW. The first 2 years of Reconciliation were not easy. If he holds this against you then he is a twisted and sick person and then you need to run far away. I have wanted NOTHING more than to fix us and move forward and be the great couple we have always been, but he seems to be all over the place and completely blames me for the problems in our marriage that lead to his affair. How screwed up is that? I know you are desperate to save your M. I was too. I remained calm and steady. Sooooo my point is my therpist would tell me the only thing you can control is your reaction to him. Your main focus is providing a warm living environment for your baby. For context, I cheated and my wife and I worked through it. I thought we turned the corner. Just a thought. If this works, it does, but Im going to prepare myself if I am not going to be in this marriage., I also wish I would have just said, You are in this affair. It can be very little things but whatever you need to do is better than nothing. Dont be surprised if he either refuses or goes just to shut you up. But right now you are being manipulated and used. I dont seem to know how to achieve and stick to ONE thing. The year this was going on my H came home from a business trip and I am saying we can get past this and he is saying I dont want to be married to you anymore. It reminds me of when he was first seeing OW, he would do ANYTHING to be out of the house and away from me, even if it wasnt to see her. Unfortunately the spouse is the unwitting victim. And I went along with it. If I would have confronted you with the phone calls and you ended it, it would have been so much easier to forgive. I just dont know how much longer this can last. I have lived EXACTLY what you are living. I see it. I too feel strongly Im doing the right thing. Right now I can only go off what we discussed Sunday, which was us not working on things, separating, him looking for his own place, and supposedly not staying at home. WTF!! It is such a neat (I know some wont like that word choice) experience to feel how messed up my thinking was. Im in the early stages of affair fog- my H started to act weird start of November, secret calls and text, late nights usual stuff I got our phone bill saw a number didnt know and searched on Facebook the girl he claimed to be just friends with, I approached him he denied I kicked him out he had no where to go he went and moved in with her only known her over a month living together he has admitted the affair.. (Ive told you this so im sure I sound like a broken record) and then I let him come back home and the whole cycle started again of us slowly morphing back into our relationship and he gets scared saying its going too fast and hes afraid everything will go right back to what it was. Its a long process to full reconciliation. And yet I havent even told him about it bc im terrified he will take that as an opportunity to make plans to go see the OW, or go do something else without us, or me inviting him will be turned into me trying to push us right back where we were. Get your plan B together now. And honestly, part of me is like who the hell cares. In reality he was seeing the OW again and he did not believe he needed it. I am just SO NERVOUS about the next bomb dropping being him saying its finally time for a D for real this time. You are absolutely right. Calm. So he waffles between the singles night at the bar life and being M at his convenience. Because he knows I wont toletste anything else. Its as if inside he was thinking we would end up back together after a while if we just let things play out, but now ive ruined that by constantly pushing and pushing. He married you. Hanging out in bars. its exactly what I need to do, and I know it. Yes, Women Can Have a Mid-Life Crisis, Too - Sunday Edit But there was nothing I could say or do to change his thinking or behavior. Second / I put up with his disrespect far too long. Some recent behaviors led me to believe she was continuing the EA. But it may not impact him to change anything. I couldnt agree more! They got no validation or acknowledgement Their behavior was ignored. Three weeks before my mother died ( yes this went on for over 7 months) I called his last whore and my husband was such an ass all he could say was he lied he lied he lied while this whore screamed at him all the things he said about me he NEVER wanted me to hear he just lied she didnt she opened my eyes to the POS my husband chose to be after the (truth phone call) call my husband bawled his eyes out that night in his recliner . I redefined our marriage and I stopped being a doormat and put myself first. My STORY | The Fog has lifted Its like im just here, I just exist and as long as he can come home to see the baby and feel like im still around, then he feels good to live whatever life he wants. Its crazy, some days I feel SO good, and some days I feel SO awful. They certainly know how to twist the knife, dont they? But then I think about the OW and its like everything comes crumbling down around me. You have tried everything you could. I feel so vulnerable and im always assuming hes just walking all over me and I dont even know if he is. In addition, I have been trying so hard that I have told her that she can keep her AP and her family too. Even if its wrong. I dont understand how I can still love someone this deeply after all of these things and how angry I am every single day. Ive been working in the office for a new site launch at work and it feels good to be with people, but everyday around 1-2pm I would get VERY emotional. I am not saying file just get an idea in case you need to file. I dont even know why I started it. The First Wife Its like him proving a point that were not a couple. Until then, it is his issue and his problem. You can listen to and/or read the transcript here: Discover the 10 Most Important Lessons about Surviving Infidelity, How to Get the Cheater Out of the Affair Fog, Real Life Hardnosed Advice on How to Stop an Affair, How to Cheat on Your Spouse Without Feeling Guilty, The Psychology of Affairs: The Games People Play and the Lies that Bind, Follow our journey as we save our marriage after an emotional affair, https://www.emotionalaffair.org/discussion-how-do-you-get-the-cheating-spouse-out-of-the-affair-fog/, Terms of Service/Privacy Policy/Affiliate Disclosure. I sincerely hope it doesnt come to that for you and your children. Second was he was proving he was changing. I would of course hope that one day he will open his eyes and see this for what it is and see how much trauma he has caused, but I really doubt it. Eventually I made him realize he had to leave the house. Some spouses (women included) do not grow up and mature after they have children. But theres nothing I can do. Its not reality. If they run backward, Midlife crisis and depression have some common symptoms, including difficulty concentrating, insomnia, irritability, and reckless behavior. It was his bad choice and his unhappiness and his defective moral character. Everytime I start getting over that feeling and starting to love him again, he accuses me of cheating, I get angry and irritated and I go find comfort in someone else. He got pissed off at me and defending himself and his whores must have been exhausting . I mean its not like we ever hug or anything like that, but we chat, we get the baby ready for bed, we sleep in the same bed. When I wanted to get in a relationship, I sat him down and told him that the contact had to minimize because I am moving on. I had to call the OW to find out the truth and what was going on. That is how far our dynamics have changed. im just so confused. We were over- marriage, life etc. Hold your head up and be the best mom and person you can be. All of my actions have done nothing to move her away from the AP. You are his wife. Sad to say your H has a support group who believe him. He keeps saying that he was telling people I was still his girlfriend but that does not make sense. He had you in limbo. At some point you will get tired, beaten down, worn out, emotionally exhausted and tired of playing some sick twisted game where the Cheater gets to call the shots. I did it find this site until after DDay 2. This was the day after he told me that he wants to come back to bursa, that he never intended to leave here and go to her. We got into a massive fight prior to me doing the 180, I think i told you about it, and he texted me after saying we have to end this, you are too impatient and youll never be convinced im not talking to that girl.I never asked what he meant by me being impatient, but I think he basically just wants time to decide what he wants. It makes my journey/nightmare a little less awful! I think you may have been the best thing to happen to me right now. I cant prove it and if I go looking ill drive myself insane and thats not fair to me. He told me he didnt want that, and that he wanted to stay with me and our daughter. That is where I was st DDay2. But what he doesnt know is that right now I honestly just dont even want him here. Its funny you said those 2 options bc during our argument the other day he said something like we will never get past this unless you see it my way, or something like that. WTF??! Hope this helps. If he declines to discuss honestly, refuses MC and will not try to compromise, then you will soon realize you have nothing to work with. Even though I know right now I have every right to if I want to, to see if im being lied to and kick his ass out, but I just am again, TRYING to stick to this 180, and if I can stick to it and somehow show him with my actions that I am doing my own thing, maybe he will become curious. And he doesnt feel like he needs to change. I can tell you that DDay 2 for him was a real eye opener. I wish I had not been so trusting. That is why I say As are like addictions. I wish someone could boost me up EVERYDAY and tell me like youve got this today. When we started dating I was madly in love with him. I told him he had to leave. He was still cheating. I became my mother. NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING you do will push him away. But then Ive read that right now we should be friends again and build a new relationshipI know im rambling, I just feel good that you said you think im handling this well now and what im doing is the best thing I can be doing for now. And I have my DDay2 showdown to prove I will do it. I know there is no right way to do this, but gosh I feel like my life is just in SUCH limbo I dont even know if I should invite him places or tell him plans I have as far as this weekend bc im just so afraid of pushing him away. And lets say you NEVER again mention talking to her. Calm and rational. doing everything right and he has justified absolutely everything, and he seems like he could care less that im asking him to leave. Midlife Crisis: When The Fog Lifts, What Happens Next If your partner is going through a midlife crisis, youre probably anxious for signs that theyre coming out What will he do, where will he go, who will he see, will he text me (he never does anymore unless I do first), will he go out tonight, will he drive to see OW a few hours away and then come back home as if nothing happened.my mind races with questions and it sucks. See where it goes. Instead I stayed calm all the way through and tried to think rationally and now im still in this situation, completely unsure of our future. I have not always been the best partner. My H unleashed 25 years of anger and frustration at me while in the fog. I say If you want out of this marriage, YOURE going to be the one to make that happen, as I WILL NOT! I was calm and collected, until I started talking about that I was worried about how his dads impending death will affect him, then I cried. Its not a M. Did he fight for you? The affair fog is a mighty grip On reality for the cheater. Sounds like that could be part of his impulse control issues and more. Its been a few weeks since ive written. He told me I only married him to spite my parents. Now your H may use any of this as an excuse. My friend came to me and let me sob on her shoulder while she told me how she and her H had gotten thru an affair 30 years before, which entailed him moving out and in with the local bartender. I feel like he wont ever feel that way again. Youre absolutely right. since I had no proof back then that anything happened and he denied it I had to accept it. I responded to his text saying You want a different life, and you should go live it. My biggest fear is that what im doing is somehow wrong and will come back to bite me for being so nice and giving him so much freedom. He wanted what he wanted. I needed 90 days to get my finances in order. I dont want to be around him. How sad it comes to that. No! You understand that he has made this choice, but unfortunately it is not OK with you. K. I am sorry he has destroyed you. Calm and rational confrontation. Once I got my power back I changed for the better. I did not want our kids to know and I was summer and they were not in school. I dont even think he thinks about this the way I do. And I wonder if your H isnt trying for the same thing. WebIt was devastating news to say the least. I continued the pattern of our life like everything was okay. 3 Signs of a Midlife Crisis Coming to an End - What to get

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