'""The difference between left and right of centeroriginated in the Frenchparliament. And the greatest arrogance of all: "save the planet." I wish I could live 1000 years to watch it happen. It creates a hostile work environment. George Carlin, 65. 20. You know what they want? The government doesnt care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare or your safety. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. The stand up comic was an artist who did more than articulate the public's subconscious; he. He has been widely cited as a political humor expert and authored two books on the subject. He was paranoid on his own. And the supreme arrogance? They don't fall out of the sky. You're reading a nice story, and suddenly the writer has to stop and describe the clouds. Doc was a connection. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. Everybodys going to save something now. You have owners. Some people have no idea what theyre doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. George Carlin, 42. 5. Skip the clouds and get to the fucking. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.". Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.You have no choice. I gave up on this stuff. He'd say, "I'm goin' upstairs and fuck your grandmother." War is a whole lot of men standing out on a field waving their pricks at one another. When a business man sits down to negotiate a deal, the first thing he does is to automatically assume that the other guy is a complete lying prick who's trying to fuck him outta his money. So maybe some of this patriarchal shit ought to go away. Im not sure thats the way to fight discrimination. George Denis Patrick Carlin was born May 12, 1937, in the Bronx, New York. Huh? The upper class keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. Thats the problem. George Carlin, 58. Its important in life if you dont give a shit. And Bush is pushing this country farther down the hill, faster than anyone has before. If you live on this planet, you're guilty, period, fuck you, end of report, next case. It is a coincidence. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? They just care about having a comfortable place. That's what they told us they were, remember? No contest! ", "Rockets And Penises In The Persian Gulf", Now, to balance the scale, I'd like to talk about some things that bring us together, things that point out our similarities instead of our differences. 225 different people in the Ronald Reagan administration have either quit, been fired, arrested, indicted or convicted of either breaking the law or violating the ethics code! There's such balance in nature. Are these fucking people kidding me? Goddamn there's a lot of stupid bastards walking around. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. 'American Dream' documentary examines George Carlin's triumphs - NPR It helps to remember that. They don't want to hear from you. A man with only one lip. You know how we got it? Sooner or later, the people in this country are . The difference for me is that conservatives are more interested in property values and rights and free markets, and liberals are more interested in human rights. Carry a pad and pencil with you, you'll wind up with thirty or forty names by the end of the day. Its interested in its own power. Injuring, hurting, killing, drinking are all part of it because youve lost your identity because you now owe your allegiance to this thing thats bigger than you are and that controls you. George Carlin, 71. I'm big on that. 30. I like people who buck the system. Best George Carlin Quotes of All Time - LiveAbout Say "you assholes are goin' for a ride!". -George Carlin Anyone who mentions Jesus more than three hundred times in a two-minute conversation. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance. We haven't tried that for a while. And if, somehow, you must join, if its unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. Fascism won it. You could build two Rhode Islands and a Delaware for the homeless on the land currently being wasted on this meaningless, mindless, arrogant, elitist, racist, theres another thing; the only blacks youll find at country clubs are carrying trays. There are over seventeen thousand golf courses in America, they average over one hundred and fifty acres a piece. Remember that? Where would we be without our safe, familiar, American bullshit? Let's kill a beautiful tree that's been alive for seventy-five years and bring it to New York City. You ever watch golf on television? Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. ' George Carlin, 56. That would be a nice realistic campaign slogan for somebody: The public sucks. "Hey! Not so youd really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. George Carlin Shitting on GovernmentBuy Me a Pizzahttps://www.buymeacoffee.com/LaughPlGEORGE CARLINhttps://www.youtube.com/user/OfficialGeorgeCarlin/feedGeor. We'll stand it up in Rockefeller Plaza and conceal its natural beauty by hanging shiny, repulsive, man-made objects on it, and let it stand there slowly dying for several weeks while simpleminded children stare at it and people from Des Moines take pictures of it. You don't have to be a history major or a political scientist to see the bigger-dick foreign policy theory. Compared with the people, the planet is doin great. They'll get it all from you sooner or later 'cause they own this fuckin' place. One of them turns the radio OFF, and the other one. [] I'm not interested. 39. Not a word. Its no secret that George Carlin was a bit of a political philosopher. We won the big game today, yes sir! But youll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, Whats happenin?. We have a daughter in public school who hasn't been knocked up yet. They come from American homes, American families, American schools, American churches, and American businesses. As we saw from my piece on Louis C.K. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. Term limits ain't going to do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. And if they tell you youre not a team player, congratulate them on being observant. 41. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. They own you. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. not understanding that George Carlin was the type of person to roast one side, and when the other side started cheering he would turn and . Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? I think "spokesman" ought to be "spokesperson," I think "chairman" ought to be "chairperson," I think "mankind" ought to be "humankind." If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and they get into office and screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. Shit, white people ought to understand their job is to give people the blues, not to get them and certainly not to sing or play them. They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles. They'd look up in the sky and see "the person in the moon". 2K views, 27 likes, 7 loves, 18 comments, 0 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Dbstvstlucia: DBS MORNING SHOW & OBITUARIES 25TH APRIL 2023 APRIL 2023 No. Its so fuckin heroic. George Carlin, 18. My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. 32. The less said about it the better. George Carlin, 38. That's all we've ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. Rights aren't rights if someone can take them away. Why isnt selling fucking legal? I wonder why prostitution is illegal. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter. You know how you speed up baseball? Then youre just what theyre looking for. I wish to be BLOWN UP. So, we must be clear about our expectations for government and its role in our lives. And when you suspend your individual beauty you also give up a lot of your humanity. No problem. Why are there ten? Same with religion. "Just when these American citizens needed their rights the most, their government sucked 'em away. I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. We are the embarrassed parents of a cross-eyed little nit-wit who at the age of ten not only continues to wet the bed but also shits on the school bus. Let me know in the comments below and please share this post. But you'll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, "What's happenin'?". In America, anyone can become president. I'm also tired of hearing about 'innocent victims'. The sword of god, the blood of the lamb, 'vengeance is mine'; millions of dead motherfuckers. Nobody goes right to work. 29. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. A boring game for boring people. ""Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? And that's what they're doing is trying to save the planet for themselves to have a nicer place to live. That's the whole purpose of recording; to do it beforehand! 25. That is against their interests. Whether you agree with him or not, George Carlins views on government are definitely worth considering. With Nina Feldman. We dont even know how to take care of ourselves; we havent learned how to care for one another. And these people with the fires and the floods and everything, they overbuild, they put nature to the test and they get what's coming to them. A good motto to live by: Always try not to get killed. And say, don't forget to pick up your free gift, a classic, deluxe, custom, designer, luxury, prestige, high quality, premium select, gourmet pocket pencil sharpener. What? If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse. Rights arent rights if someone can take them away. We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred, and we get to kill the rest. All right, that's enough of that. Nitwits, assholes, fuckups, scumbags, jerkoffs, and dipshits. Here's one for the ladies, "Nary-A-Carry"! Here's some bumper stickers I'd like to see: We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car. Save the planet, we don't even know how to take care of. Remember when "being up for the game" was kind of a spiritual thing? The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers, but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. You never see a memo that says 9:01. Anything differentthat's what they're gonna talk aboutrace, religion, ethnic and national background, jobs, income, education, social status, sexuality, anything they can do to keep us fighting with each other, so that they can keep going to the bank! George Carlin No. Has been for thousands of years! Think of the intellect it must take to derive pleasure from this activity: Hitting a ball with a crooked stickand walking after it! That's what all that asshole jock bullshit is all about. 101 Marianne Williamson Quotes That Will Enlighten You. Fertilization: When the sperm fertilizes the egg, which is usually a few moments after the man says, "Gee, honey, I was gonna pull out, but the phone rang and it startled me." Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. "I don't believe anything the government tells me." - George Carlin 02. You have owners. George Carlin, 84. "That's a, There are two-way words, like, it's okay for Curt Gowdy to say, "Roberto Clemente has two balls on him!" Leave these fucking people alone for Christs sake. Save the planet? 60+ Hilarious George Carlin Quotes and Jokes | Thought Catalog Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death! Something lofty and poetic: "Nay Family Way"; something earthhy and crude: "Mom Bomb"; something for the youngsters, "Junior Miss"; here's a real man's product, "Inconceivable"! But there is an I in independence, individuality, and integrity. George Carlin, 14. But even after the egg is fertilized, it's still six or seven days before it reaches the uterus and pregnancy begins, and not every egg makes it that far. So at best the sanctity of life is kind of a selective thing. They should be more vivid. Pack your shit, were goin away. Say, pardon me? (shoots gun) Im awfully sorry. I say, Drop the pipe, and go to the dick! 21 George Carlin Quotes On Government And Politics Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. It simply does not give a fuck about you! Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. George Carlin has many famous quotes about government, education and the American dream that are often referenced as truth. People who say they dont care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they dont care what people think. Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?, 8. Youd think theyd make natural allies. Everybody gets one swing. Regarding public Christmas displays: At some point, someone who worked at Rockefeller Center must have said, "Boys, I have a great idea for Christmas. "Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. I never fucked a 10, but one night I fucked 5 twos! So maybe it's not the politicians who suck; maybe it's something else. If I can be of any help to you on your journey I'll do my best. Don't give your money to the church. It can help you a lot. George Carlin, 8. The map is going to change and that's because -- people think nature is outside of them. If you're preborn, you're fine; if you're preschool, you're f**ked. The planet is fine. I recently bought a book of free verse. He loves you and He needs money. So he's gotta do everything he can to fuck the other guy a little bit faster and a little bit harder. So they killed a lot of white English people in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out the rest of the red Indian people, in order to move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. 38. Because you have the illusion of choice. We hadn't been into grass before, we were into gang fighting, and wine and beer in the park, and punching the shit out of people, and having jackets with your name, and your girls were your 'debs', and you had turf, and all that dumb shit, and we would get into fights over girlsand then pot came along and gang fighting went away. It's true. ""These days many politicians are demanding change. Now Darryl Stingley's son plays football, and if the son should become paralyzed while playing, it will not be ironic. Maybe this time itll work. George Carlin, 59. They dont want to hear from you. But limited time only, though, so act now, order today, send no money. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but Im just not close enough to get the job done.. And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". You have no choice. Some people don't want you to mention certain things. Pretty neat deal, huh? Let's face it, we have very little to work with. But he loves you. I do not torture animals, and I do not support the torture of animals, such as that which goes on at rodeos: cowardly men in big hats abusing simple beasts in a fruitless search for manhood. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. And in 2017, Rolling Stone magazine ranked Carlin second on its list of the 50 Best Stand-Up Comics of All Time, just behind Richard Pryor. 7. Next time you are at the computer, get on the Internet, go to Wikipedia. Our experienced and knowledgeable sales representatives will help you make a selection that's just right for you and just right for your budget. So we keep ourselves limited. They say, 'If you don't vote, you have no right to complain,' but where's the logic in that? In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people. The rights and the rights of property. Men do it, women do it; can't be all bad if everybody's doin' it. Dont look for it. Two reasons: first of all, voting is meaningless; this country was bought and paid for a long time ago. I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people; a maniac will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan. The planet will take care of itself. A waitress with a visible infection on her serving hand. An art thief is a man who takes pictures. Otherwise it doesn't really work, does it? Occasionally, a couple of jokes on a long list might have come from me, but not often. One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim. George Carlin, 51. Because if everything is really the fault of politicians, where are all the bright, honest, intelligent Americans who are ready to step in and replace them? The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election. George Carlin, 66. It simply does not give a fuck about you! And the supreme arrogance? You have owners. Here's what you do: First of all, you don't get all scared and do whatever he tells you. And if you act now, we'll include an extra added, free, complimentary bonus gift, a classic, deluxe, custom, designer, luxury, prestige, high quality, premium select, gourmet combination key ring, magnifying glass and garden hose in a genuine imitation leather style carrying case with authentic vinyl trim. Pray for anything you want. Well, of course it was pre-recorded! Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. That is a true oxymoron if Ive ever heard one: Civil War. Do you think anybody in this country could ever really have a civil war? They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something. On Election Day, I stay home. There are over seventeen thousand golf courses in America. Everybody's going to save something now. He was also known for his outspoken views on government and politics. What would you call a lady's man, a "person's person"? They will do anything for the unborn. Never join a group that has a name. They want it back so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street. In fact, I regularly pray for serious, life-threatening rodeo injuries. It's nothing. For twelve dollars. We had great gifts, and we gave it all up for both money and God We gave it all up to superstition, primitive superstition, primitive shit Invisible man in the sky, looking down, keeping track of what we do, make sure we don't do the wrong thing, if we do, he puts us in hell, where we burn forever. The original quote is, "We make ourselves miserable by first closing ourselves off from reality and then collecting this and that in an attempt to make ourselves happy by possessing happiness. Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? You know, why should it be illegal to sell something thats perfectly legal to give away? They don't want to hear from you. Elect me. Put the blame where it belongs: on the people. People are fucking nuts. These people call themselves "right to lifers." The middle class pays all of the taxes, does all of the work. But they take it too far, they take themselves too seriously, they exaggerate. Put it in your pocket and go the fuck home, you're a winner! They'll get it. And they're walking around, nobody worrying about it. ", I used to be Irish Catholic; Now I'm an American. Opinion: With apologies to George Carlin, here are seven words they can We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teachers' attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters. In this blog post, well take a look at some of Carlins most famous quotes on government. You don't. You have no choice. Little kids would be afraid of "the boogieperson". I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Wheres the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. George Carlin, 43. Don't blame me. But he can't say, "I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony, don't you?". The government doesn't care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare, or your safety, it simply doesn't give a fuck about you. Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? The Divine Plan. And they seem to understand what I'm talking about. ", So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. If its true that our species is alone in the universe, then Id have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. George Carlin, 37. It sounds fashionable and, to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience. George Carlin, 2. BULLSHIT! And you know something? And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter. And he's gotta do it with a big. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. George Carlin, 46. ""This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. If your kid needs a role model and you aint it, youre both fucked. George Carlin, 32. George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, singer, voice artist, and comedian, noted especially for his irreverent attitude and his observations on politics, language, psychology, and religion, as well as some taboo subjects. 80% of a woman's fertilized eggs are rinsed and flushed out of her body once a month during those delightful few days she has. Fucking is legal. No, viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus, weeds, E. Coli bacteria, the crabs. George Carlin on Customs. Is that such a strange notion. (224), Many people work on war plans; not too many work on peace plans. But once you're born, you're on your own. They own all the important land. Go look for consistency in religion. And generally speaking again it's all generalized the left-of-center people are more concerned with humans and human beings and human concerns; to the care of humans, not the care and worry about property rights. It's called "dick fear!" ""Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. 45. change. His parents split up when he was an infant because his . Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. This entire country is completely full of shit, and, Clinton might be full of shit, but at least he lets ya know it! Let's go for a drive OK? Stop that! A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. George Carlin, 16. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. If you burn the flag, youre burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. A group of slave owners who wanted to be free! Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac? "Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails." ", "One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. Rights aren't rights if someone can take them away. The best (and funniest) George Carlin Quotes on politics, life & death and of course the American government Here's what happened: I give you my revised list of the Two Commandments: "Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie", and "thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man than the one you pray to". They don't have a peace college. George Carlin was one of the most well-known and beloved comedians of all time. '""I have solved this political dilemma in a very direct way: I don't vote. Bullshit is everywhere. His father was from Donegal, Ireland, and his mother was Irish-American. Original music by Dan Powell and Marion Lozano . Fucking is legal. I guess hard-core fans who follow my stuff closely would be able to spot the fake stuff, because the tone of voice is so different. A brain surgeon with "Born to Lose" tattooed on his hands. Tell the judge the truth. Of course, I'm sure the reverend isn't that comfortable with anything that has two knobs on it. This is what we have to offer. BAD WORDS." Electricity is really just organized lightning. People are selfish. I'm tired of that asshole. In this blog post, well take a look at some of his best quotes on the subject. Nah. Some day birth control will come off prescription, and they'll need those cute little catchy names like the patent medicines havesome day birth control pills will have names like, "Preg-Not"! 50. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist. We dont even know how to take care of ourselves; we havent learned how to care for one another. You have owners. Manage Settings By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. George Carlin, 10. We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. And generally speaking, people onthe right of center, are interested in property values, property, property rights. So arrogant. In America, anyone can become president. 'Cause I got to tell you the truth, folks: when it comes to bullshit - big-time, major-league bullshit - you have to stand in awe, in AWE of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. When are they gonna outlaw this shit? Nothing sacred about those things. Doesnt happen. That's generally been true. Keep in mind, the news media are not independent; they are a sort of bulletin board and public relations firm for the ruling class-the people who run things. Were so self-important. Is this the noblest thing that women can think of? They never mention that part to us, do they? Carlin's most famous piece from 2005 explained the state of the US and why the US government isn't there for the people's interests. We won the big game today, yes sir!" George Carlin I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. Who said so? And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter. See, the really hardcore people will tell you life begins at fertilization. George Carlin - Government doesn't care about you - YouTube You see all, sooner or later. A lot of these cultural crimes I've been complaining about can be blamed on the Baby Boomers, something else I'm getting tired of hearing aboutwhiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: "GIMME IT, IT'S MINE!" I cant follow the logic on that one at all! It will not be with jack-boots.
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